While I was recovering in the post-op ward after my surgery my blood pressure dropped and so did my hemoglobin. Both symptoms of internal bleeding. These both went down so low that my surgeon was seriously considering a second operation to stop the bleeding. It was also recommended that I receive a blood transfusion to which I said yes. So began a 12 hour holding pattern to see if my body would stop the bleed on its own or if my surgeon would have to go in and fix the broken pipe(s).. I can remember at first thinking shit shit shit shit this is not good. And while that thought didn't go away it was definitely tempered by assurances from my surgeon that if a second operation was needed it would be a speed bump; nothing more (I swear the more time I spend with surgeons the more I am convinced that they are today's wizards).
Next came a reflection that the problems I face in life can be judged by how the sit on two continuums. The first continuum measures how much control I have over the problem and the second continuum measures the impact of the problem on my life (first world problems vs. real problems)
In this situation it became abundantly clear that this was one of those situations where I had no control over the outcome and that it was not a first world problems. Other than lying down on the hospital stretcher there was nothing else I could do to get my body to turn off the valve that was feeding the leaking blood vessel(s). In that moment I had a deep appreciation for all those problems that I have and had that did not match the criteria of the problem I was facing. Angst I have over my career, hobbies and how I would occupy myself during the recovery process fell away... those issues seemed easy... pebbles on the highway of life. I also felt frustration that I could not affect the outcome as I, like other members of my family, embrace Dylan Thomas' "Do not go gentle into that good night" and believe that through willpower one can work through many of life's problems.
While I was not in any physical pain during this holding pattern it was not the most calm of experiences and I was very grateful to have Dylan (one of my brothers) and Tina (my wife) with me.
With me. I knew during this time that what I needed was physical contact from people that I love. No words. No questioning the doctor or interpreting the latest blood pressure reading or distracting me with a story. Simply contact by holding my hand and matching the firmness in my hand with the firmness in their hand. Pure simple human contact which could carry the message that I was surrounded by those that loved me and that there were others standing with me in full acceptance of the situation and sharing the burden.
It is the memory of being in this difficult holding pattern with Dylan and Tina by my side combined with the genuine caring and care exhibited by my surgeon that has more than once brought me to tears with an overwhelmingly deep experience of gratitude. Gratitude for being blessed with a community of people where love is the foundation. Gratitude to all the doctors, nurses and health care professionals who have helped me in my journey. And gratitude to all Canadians for giving me the gift of world class health care without having to worry about how to pay for it.
More and more now I feel as if I am part of a large web where each thread connects me to all of you. The thread is made up of love and like love the thread is flexible. This flexibility has allowed me to stretch and grow and chart my own path while also pulling me back from, or over, obstacles that I have encountered. Sometimes when I feel particularly tense I imagine myself letting go and feeling myself sinking back into this web while knowing that all of you either in person or with your thoughts have my, and Tina's back.
With each time around the medical merry, or not so, merry go round I find myself acutely aware of how important love, relationships and community are in my life and as well the question of "Are we in this life together or... are we in it alone?" I know my answer.
Next came a reflection that the problems I face in life can be judged by how the sit on two continuums. The first continuum measures how much control I have over the problem and the second continuum measures the impact of the problem on my life (first world problems vs. real problems)
In this situation it became abundantly clear that this was one of those situations where I had no control over the outcome and that it was not a first world problems. Other than lying down on the hospital stretcher there was nothing else I could do to get my body to turn off the valve that was feeding the leaking blood vessel(s). In that moment I had a deep appreciation for all those problems that I have and had that did not match the criteria of the problem I was facing. Angst I have over my career, hobbies and how I would occupy myself during the recovery process fell away... those issues seemed easy... pebbles on the highway of life. I also felt frustration that I could not affect the outcome as I, like other members of my family, embrace Dylan Thomas' "Do not go gentle into that good night" and believe that through willpower one can work through many of life's problems.
While I was not in any physical pain during this holding pattern it was not the most calm of experiences and I was very grateful to have Dylan (one of my brothers) and Tina (my wife) with me.
With me. I knew during this time that what I needed was physical contact from people that I love. No words. No questioning the doctor or interpreting the latest blood pressure reading or distracting me with a story. Simply contact by holding my hand and matching the firmness in my hand with the firmness in their hand. Pure simple human contact which could carry the message that I was surrounded by those that loved me and that there were others standing with me in full acceptance of the situation and sharing the burden.
It is the memory of being in this difficult holding pattern with Dylan and Tina by my side combined with the genuine caring and care exhibited by my surgeon that has more than once brought me to tears with an overwhelmingly deep experience of gratitude. Gratitude for being blessed with a community of people where love is the foundation. Gratitude to all the doctors, nurses and health care professionals who have helped me in my journey. And gratitude to all Canadians for giving me the gift of world class health care without having to worry about how to pay for it.
More and more now I feel as if I am part of a large web where each thread connects me to all of you. The thread is made up of love and like love the thread is flexible. This flexibility has allowed me to stretch and grow and chart my own path while also pulling me back from, or over, obstacles that I have encountered. Sometimes when I feel particularly tense I imagine myself letting go and feeling myself sinking back into this web while knowing that all of you either in person or with your thoughts have my, and Tina's back.
With each time around the medical merry, or not so, merry go round I find myself acutely aware of how important love, relationships and community are in my life and as well the question of "Are we in this life together or... are we in it alone?" I know my answer.